Plays I am Writing

I wrote a play Called "Two Dear Heads" and it's two deer heads on people talking about how their days are going. cue mayhem and quaint delicate friendship.


I wrote a play called "If you were here I'd be gone by now" and it's one person standing talking to themselves, plural.








I wrote a play called "Idioramican" and it's a restaurant full of really stupid servers who make delicious creme brulee.








I wrote a play called "balloons pop" and it's three people blowing balloons until they pop for 10 minutes while one person blows into a pigs belly which never pops. Cue touchdown.





I wrote a play called "Zoology" and it's really good.

yet another example...

Tonight, at the restaurant that I work at, a gentleman stopped me as I was passing by him and said, "Excuse me, I just wanted to say, I really like the print of your dress."

To which I replied, "Do you work for Target?"

Smack down. Not even a begin with a thank you. just a full on judgement. I'm not a bitch, it's just that my brain thinks like one.

Shit like that plops out of my mouth daily. How can I stop this from happening? Do I have to plan things? Do I just say thank you mindlessly? WHO THE HELL SAYS THE PRINT OF YOUR DRESS?! My response was only as equally stupid as his question, right?

oh my god. oh my god. another guy just called me. it's 205 am. what are you doing? voicemail? trying to leave voicemail? I went to turn off the sound and picked up the call instead. to which I just stared at the phone in horror. for 10 seconds. then hung up.

When god was passing out skillz, I was watching the golden girls and eating peanut butter graham crackers.

29 does a job on me

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David Barton Gym and Meg

On Sat, Jan 9, 2010 at 11:40 AM, Darren Xxxon wrote:

How is everything going? Have you been coming and working out? Let me know if you need anything.

Darren Nxxxon
DavidBartonGym
ASTOR PLACE
darren.Xxxon@thegym.com
www.davidbartongym.com

What I really want to write back:
Dear Darren,
I have totally been coming to the gym. Bam sucka! Haven't you seen me? I wave at you every time I walk in the door. You are usually frowning, which I decided was your gym-culture way of telling me to "really work hard today."
I have been stretching on the east side of the gym near the windows. There are muscle rollers over there and they are really firm, it's great! I have many sore muscles to roll out. I rolled my head across it. The brain is a very powerful muscle I am told. So is the heart. It is not as easy to get to with the roller. Once I got there, I must say, it hurt.

I took one yoga class. It is crazy in the yoga room because I can't see my legs in the mirror. I look like I am floating. and then I think to myself, I've done it. I've meditated right off my legs. Where did my crazy walk away legs go? I wish they would just wait for me. I hope they aren't making trouble somewhere. Darren would get so upset if they wandered about kicking people in the holiest of places. And then I think, is this perfect meditation? Is this what you're supposed to be thinking about. Then I smile and nod.

But mostly I run and run. Because it's a gym, and that's what girls do at gyms. Unless they have big ugly muscles. Those girls are usually at the gym lifting the heavy gym equipment up and vacuuming under all of it.

That's been my experience thus far.

Is it weird or awesome that I sent you a journal entry type response?
Let me know, because I think I love you,

Meg



--
Sent from my IPhonejustkiddingsentfrommyprivateislandinbermudajustkiddingIdon't traveljustkiddingItravelallthetimejustkiddingonlysometimesjustkiddingjust thatonetimewhenIwentsearchingformymotherjustkiddingIdon't haveamotherjustkiddingIhadamotherbutsheabandonedmejustkiddingshelivesinateepeeinSouthDakotaJustkidding

Lo I Bring News of the Playhouse, on this christmas eve!

Arise young theatres from your chairs and your backsides! For I bring news on this christmas eve, of the place we did once celebrate it!!! Raise up your glasses and say, "Paddlefish!"

It is so fine to see you all, here on this balmy hot astoria eve. With your fine glasses full of tequilla and your strange drunken ramblings. Let me begin. The day was hot and the morning was early...

As I woke I knew, I'd be late. There was too much to do! I suddenly remembered I did not know where I was going, I forgot the way to the playhouse?! Jumping into the car, I sped off to find a cucumber for the bridal shower gift for our good friend, Fist.

Yes! that's right, a wedding for our good friend Fist, and her now husband, Mr. Fist! This reason was the very core of my adventure. And I might have gotten a little messed up. And I might have pulled someone down on the dance floor. but, uh, that's not what we're talking about. Sooo... I'd like not to. ok.

As I raced thru the hills I passed thru Hill City. HILL CITY! And not until that moment had I realized how fucking off course I was. I did make it to the party one hour late, and the gift was found to give either much merriment or shame upon the faces of her sisters, and mothers, and grandmothers.

After we had lunched, I did drive to lovely center lake. CENTER LAKE! How we did walk there many times?! How did we dirty our hair for Cabaret?! How we did skinny dip in the night together for the first time and it was really cold and maybe some guys were ok with that but maybe some guys were like not "ok with it" and it was hilarious because the more uncomfortable they felt the more comfortable the other guys felt and they'd wiggle around even harder?! ...I wasn't the only one watching that was I?

Center Lake was the place for the Fists' wedding. And after we had rehearsed, not for a play but a ceremony (like in star wars. we totally hummed the star wars theme song while Fist was coming down the isle. we totally made that up. we are totally the first ones to do that. shut uuuUUUuuup!), we headed to make food at the magnificant HAP HALL!!!

Yes good friends, we dined under it's majestic wood and bolt canopy on the succulent roasted elk burgers, veggie dogs, and other fine meats. And oh did we love the view of the sun coming down!

I greeted John first, to inquire where we might find more ice. Then did I run to hug Coach B, my first year mother and volleyball mentor. Then the firey choreographer appeared with her two boys. Oh my how adult is. He speaks like a politician. Next, her toad husband walked from the east stage door to my delight. So many memories! Remember when we sat outside that stagedoor, or walked that path from old theatre rehearsal, or ran on that path during buffalos, basically nude?

And I did sit with our sweet old mates, Cassie, Justin, and Holly. And many veggie burgers did i consume. and chips. and cheetos. and salsa. and brownie. and pie. and cake. and tomatoes. and you see where I'm going with this.

The old team did play the volleyball tournament, and verily did they beat their opponents. And we ran to join the next game, and heartily did i serve! And crappily did we play. And my team lost. So many memories!

And we joined a group of men at the two story. And heaftily we did breathe. And hilraious did i feel when the song Hand for the Hog was sung. And hilarious was every word muttered by Jill Twiss, our new york friend!

For Reals

Jo and I are watching television. We just got in to Amy's apartment. We moved some new furniture into the apartment after finishing an exhausting day that included two morning shows and a five hour drive. We're very tired. Tried to make plans going out but decided against it and had a girl night. These girls are so intuitive.
Her roommate just got back. I had a bit of an oh shit moment. I forgot about other people while we were on tour. Only one girl though, we can assimilate her ;) No, she's leaving June 1. Never mind.
I'm going to be living in this apartment for at least one month. We'll see how it goes, I hope well because right now I'm pretty in love with life. I have plans, and friends and things to accomplish. It's great.
That's right, I just said New York was great. There's a first.

Connecticut

I just got to Connecticut on tour. After checking into our hotel, I took a really long walk down main street and got honked at the entire way. If I liked guys who were jobless, I would seriously be having a party right now with all of them. It would be a huge party, is what I'm saying. But I was in sweat pants! I fucking hate it when I'm in sweatpants and I get honked at! It just weakens the effect for when I actually look like a prostitute at night when going out, TRYING for attention. Please, all I'm asking is, standards UP gentleman. My ego doesn't need it nearly as much as my standards do. PS, I'm so hot, sweatpants wearing doesn't offend, it inspires. I'm the best.

So, last week was a rerun of the SNL recent return from the writers strike Tina Fey hosted show. SNL IS THE FUNNIEST SKETCH ON TELEVISION. A lot of other great sketch VIDEO shows are good, yes, but this looks like and IS a live sketch show. You can't get good LIVE sketch like this a lot of places, but this is on TELEVISION. It looks live on television. I'd say it's pretty remarkable. "I drink your milkshake" had me laughing so hard I couldn't hear the television, Jason Sudeikis drunk laughed a powerhouse monologue that I couldn't get enough of, and of course sprung forth the incredible "Bitch is the New Black" monologue. "...you hated those bitches! ..but you knew the capital of Vermont." With her best line delivery, "She knows we can see her right?" She's incredible to me. (Special mention to MacGruber, probably one of the funniest sketches with the easiest joke, and yet, it doesn't stop being funny!)

Connecticut smells good.